Feeling very low- Depressed

I have been having a very difficult time. I feel that I have reached rock bottom.

There are some days when I feel well, hopeful and capable. But then there are more days when I feel low, hopeless and very much incapable of anything. I have a teen son who has noticed this and has seen me on my very low days when I am incapable of holding back my tears. When he sees me like this he hugs me or lays his head on my shoulder with is arm around me. I couldn't ask for more from him.

Today is one of those low days. I woke up feeling very depressed and a bit shaky (physically- shaky hand when holding on to a cup of water). I decided to not go to work, so I called in feeling unwell. I also did not want  my son to see me like this- incapable of even going to work- so I left before he even woke up (the usual time). I left to have breakfast at the local Denny's while I listened to an uplifting podcast. It made me feel good to have an out of the ordinary day. To have coffee after more than a month of no coffee.

Then I went to rite-aid to buy a few things I needed. I also walked through the alcohol aisle. I bought a drink to drink at the park. I have never drank alcohol outside of a social aspect. This was the first time drinking alone. I felt like I needed it. 

I then went to the park (it has been a rainy week, but luckily it wasn't raining at this time) and waited for the library to open. While I waited I made a call to the local Mental Health Access number. I referred myself and told the lady my symptoms. Depression and anxiety, among other things. The lady told me I will receive a call within 10 days, and told me that if I need emotional support while I waited or feel like I am in a crisis I can call that same number for emotional support.

Despite feeling depressed and anxious. I am proud of myself. I am at the library writing this with teary eyes and still feeling proud. I did not think I was capable of actually getting help. A friend told me that it was probably like any addict such as an alcoholic, that you have to hit rock bottom before you actually feel ready to need help. 

I also told the landlord that I would like a six month lease instead of a year lease. I am giving myself 6 months to feel better, to get a new job and a car. I have been wanting to move on with my life. To progress. Oh, by the way did I mention that I got a "new" car in December, and that it was stolen 2 weeks ago? Yeah, so there's that. 

I've Had a Realization

I woke up with a more fierce realization that I do NOT want to keep working at that preschool. There was also a slight feeling of not wanting to work in a preschool at all. However, I'd like to give working at another preschool a chance. Last time I was not in a good mental-emotional state and now that I am in a good place I would like to try again. I would like a preschool different than the one I am currently working at. One that isn't so focused on an academic calendar (especially at such a young age). Learning the letters of the alphabet, numbers, colors, and shapes are great, and can be incorporated into every day activities naturally without it being the main focus. A preschool that focuses on social-emotional well-being of a child would be awesome. Where they spend time building those basic skills such as sharing, cooperation, and learning how to express themselves using words. Where they are given the time to be able to be with their feelings, and learn to self-regulate. Where teachers pay attention to the interests of the children, and help them explore a concept they are interested in more. 

That is what I want. When I find this place and if I still have that feeling of not working in this field anymore then I am thinking I will do nannying for a bit. At least until I figure out what exactly it is that I want. But I do enjoy spending time with children. Helping them when they are having trouble socially or emotionally is such a rewarding feeling. 

I was Depressed

I had a post saved as a draft. Reading it made me remember where my state of mind was at that time. Which was during the time just before, during, and after working at that new preschool. 

I was talking to a friend about how I felt at that time. I couldn't enjoy anything. I would come home and had absolutely no desire or energy to cook dinner, to read, write, or even learn anything. I didn't say it but quite frankly I was depressed. I don't know why I felt depressed. Writing in here might help me process that feeling. 

It could have been because I was in a not-relationship relationship. It was weighing down on my emotions. I was feeling confused, angry, annoyed, and like I wasn't being true to myself. Why I was holding on to that not-relationship relationship, I don't know. I guess I've always been a people pleaser. I didn't want to hurt this guy's feelings, which in turn would make me feel guilty. I realize that doing that was even worse. I apologized for not being more forward about this. I believe I did mention this though, but he insisted that people need friends, that it wasn't normal to not have anyone to talk to. Which I get what he meant. But I think I needed to be more assertive. I needed to say that once we end a relationship then it should be over. I don't know if people can really remain friends after a relationship. We can definitely still care about the other.

Or I could have been feeling depressed because I had quit my job after the pandemic closure. But in all honesty I was feeling very low even before the closure came along (I was already planning on putting in my notice). I had told a friend that it felt like a break-up. I was used to the people and the environment, however toxic it was at times. My initial feeling was relief, then came the depression. Even working at that new preschool, I was feeling very out of place and not myself. I was NOT doing my best at all. It took so much to stop my teary eyes from releasing a flood of tears. It got so bad that I quit (in December). I was still not feeling good, then in February my old boss asked if I wanted to come back and help. I wasn't doing anything, and could use the money, so I did. It wasn't until late May when I started feeling better. 

So... was I going through withdrawal? Was it a mistake to have gone back? Should I have waited it out at the other school? Or even not working but just not return?

Perhaps it was a combination of both.

What I've been up to...

Oh, goodness. It's almost the end of the year and I haven't been writing in here as much as I would like to. 

It has been busy, going back to work (I found a different preschool) and making an attempt at a side hustle. I started an etsy shop about a month ago. I've been making printables. I only had like 4 listings when I first opened it, but I have a few more now- so there's that. I'm not really getting sales- so far only 3, but you know what, I find myself enjoying making these printables. It's fun, so I guess it's more of a hobby than a side hustle. 

If anyone is interested: paperismyjam.etsy.com

The school I have been working at now is different than the previous preschool I was at. This one is a Reggio Emilia Inspired preschool- so it is very play-based and there is not much planning involved. At least no planning even more than 1 week in advance. The planning is pretty much done by the kids. Whatever the students are interested, the teacher will encourage their learning on that interest by providing books, or activities to help guide them. They even come up with ideas on what they want to do. 

At the other preschool it is a bit play-based, but mostly we follow a curriculum set for them. Where they learn the alphabet, numbers, etc. They are also a little more strict with the children- or more rules. Whereas the one I am now working at are a little bit more flexible with the children.

When I first started working there I thought I wouldn't be able to do it because (1) I wasn't use to that type of learning and the kids allowed to do much more than I am comfortable with, and (2) I hadn't been in a preschool since march of 2020. I felt a little out of touch. Now I am a little more comfortable, and getting into the groove. The class I was placed with are wild children. They're great, but wild. The teacher I am working with had given me a heads up, that the children are rambunctious. They really are, but they're growing on me and I am looking forward to see how I do in this school, but at the same time I am very very nervous. 

I hope I am up to par with the other teachers at the school. I do feel a little out of place. There are moments when I am thinking I don't want to be there, but that is probably a bit of my social phobia talking. I keep telling myself, trying to convince myself that this is good for me. Which I truly believe- on so many levels. I'll leave that for another post. For now this'll do!

Struggling With Starting Habits

Image by fotografierende from Pixabay 

Getting motivated and keeping a habit is pretty difficult. I'm always amazed at people who have this down. 

I think you have to have a good mindset to start a habit. It's more than just wanting to start a healthy habit. You have to have a why, and is that why strong enough to keep you motivated to maintain that habit? Above all you must be kind to yourself.

Sometimes the mind will tell us that we aren't good enough and won't be able to keep up so just quit now. Then we must remember that our mind doesn't know the truth. The mind just likes to stir people up and cause drama within ourselves- and sometimes outwardly with other people.

I've been wanting to get started on writing, jogging, and more meditation.

I always loved writing, ever since I knew how to read. I was fascinated by stories and wanted to mimic authors. It fell off the wagon when some events happened in life- as things always happen in life. I was unable to hold on to it though, and I've been wanting so bad to rekindle this love of reading and writing

Jogging is such a release of pent up energy. It feels awesome going for even a short jog. It's almost like a form of meditation to me. You concentrate on your breathing and on your steps. Yes, thoughts come but most of the time I don't think much other than my breathing with the occasional: "I can do this" thought. I am pretty present.

I have been doing ok with my morning meditations but not as much as I'd like to do. Perhaps jogging will help with this.

What is my why? I guess my why for writing would be simply that creative desire, or urge, that I have. It is always there but for some reason starting the process has been difficult for me. My why for jogging is simply to release that energy and stay healthy. Meditation would be to get rid of that mind clutter, even if it is only for that time. 

My mind is sometimes too loud and I know I must take that first step to show it. It'll be like me shaking my fist at the mind and telling it "oh yeah? I'll show you!" I must get over my mind.

Are there any habits you currently have? What about any habits you've struggled with making?