I've Had a Realization

I woke up with a more fierce realization that I do NOT want to keep working at that preschool. There was also a slight feeling of not wanting to work in a preschool at all. However, I'd like to give working at another preschool a chance. Last time I was not in a good mental-emotional state and now that I am in a good place I would like to try again. I would like a preschool different than the one I am currently working at. One that isn't so focused on an academic calendar (especially at such a young age). Learning the letters of the alphabet, numbers, colors, and shapes are great, and can be incorporated into every day activities naturally without it being the main focus. A preschool that focuses on social-emotional well-being of a child would be awesome. Where they spend time building those basic skills such as sharing, cooperation, and learning how to express themselves using words. Where they are given the time to be able to be with their feelings, and learn to self-regulate. Where teachers pay attention to the interests of the children, and help them explore a concept they are interested in more. 

That is what I want. When I find this place and if I still have that feeling of not working in this field anymore then I am thinking I will do nannying for a bit. At least until I figure out what exactly it is that I want. But I do enjoy spending time with children. Helping them when they are having trouble socially or emotionally is such a rewarding feeling. 

I was Depressed

I had a post saved as a draft. Reading it made me remember where my state of mind was at that time. Which was during the time just before, during, and after working at that new preschool. 

I was talking to a friend about how I felt at that time. I couldn't enjoy anything. I would come home and had absolutely no desire or energy to cook dinner, to read, write, or even learn anything. I didn't say it but quite frankly I was depressed. I don't know why I felt depressed. Writing in here might help me process that feeling. 

It could have been because I was in a not-relationship relationship. It was weighing down on my emotions. I was feeling confused, angry, annoyed, and like I wasn't being true to myself. Why I was holding on to that not-relationship relationship, I don't know. I guess I've always been a people pleaser. I didn't want to hurt this guy's feelings, which in turn would make me feel guilty. I realize that doing that was even worse. I apologized for not being more forward about this. I believe I did mention this though, but he insisted that people need friends, that it wasn't normal to not have anyone to talk to. Which I get what he meant. But I think I needed to be more assertive. I needed to say that once we end a relationship then it should be over. I don't know if people can really remain friends after a relationship. We can definitely still care about the other.

Or I could have been feeling depressed because I had quit my job after the pandemic closure. But in all honesty I was feeling very low even before the closure came along (I was already planning on putting in my notice). I had told a friend that it felt like a break-up. I was used to the people and the environment, however toxic it was at times. My initial feeling was relief, then came the depression. Even working at that new preschool, I was feeling very out of place and not myself. I was NOT doing my best at all. It took so much to stop my teary eyes from releasing a flood of tears. It got so bad that I quit (in December). I was still not feeling good, then in February my old boss asked if I wanted to come back and help. I wasn't doing anything, and could use the money, so I did. It wasn't until late May when I started feeling better. 

So... was I going through withdrawal? Was it a mistake to have gone back? Should I have waited it out at the other school? Or even not working but just not return?

Perhaps it was a combination of both.