I was Depressed

I had a post saved as a draft. Reading it made me remember where my state of mind was at that time. Which was during the time just before, during, and after working at that new preschool. 

I was talking to a friend about how I felt at that time. I couldn't enjoy anything. I would come home and had absolutely no desire or energy to cook dinner, to read, write, or even learn anything. I didn't say it but quite frankly I was depressed. I don't know why I felt depressed. Writing in here might help me process that feeling. 

It could have been because I was in a not-relationship relationship. It was weighing down on my emotions. I was feeling confused, angry, annoyed, and like I wasn't being true to myself. Why I was holding on to that not-relationship relationship, I don't know. I guess I've always been a people pleaser. I didn't want to hurt this guy's feelings, which in turn would make me feel guilty. I realize that doing that was even worse. I apologized for not being more forward about this. I believe I did mention this though, but he insisted that people need friends, that it wasn't normal to not have anyone to talk to. Which I get what he meant. But I think I needed to be more assertive. I needed to say that once we end a relationship then it should be over. I don't know if people can really remain friends after a relationship. We can definitely still care about the other.

Or I could have been feeling depressed because I had quit my job after the pandemic closure. But in all honesty I was feeling very low even before the closure came along (I was already planning on putting in my notice). I had told a friend that it felt like a break-up. I was used to the people and the environment, however toxic it was at times. My initial feeling was relief, then came the depression. Even working at that new preschool, I was feeling very out of place and not myself. I was NOT doing my best at all. It took so much to stop my teary eyes from releasing a flood of tears. It got so bad that I quit (in December). I was still not feeling good, then in February my old boss asked if I wanted to come back and help. I wasn't doing anything, and could use the money, so I did. It wasn't until late May when I started feeling better. 

So... was I going through withdrawal? Was it a mistake to have gone back? Should I have waited it out at the other school? Or even not working but just not return?

Perhaps it was a combination of both.