Struggling With Starting Habits

Image by fotografierende from Pixabay 

Getting motivated and keeping a habit is pretty difficult. I'm always amazed at people who have this down. 

I think you have to have a good mindset to start a habit. It's more than just wanting to start a healthy habit. You have to have a why, and is that why strong enough to keep you motivated to maintain that habit? Above all you must be kind to yourself.

Sometimes the mind will tell us that we aren't good enough and won't be able to keep up so just quit now. Then we must remember that our mind doesn't know the truth. The mind just likes to stir people up and cause drama within ourselves- and sometimes outwardly with other people.

I've been wanting to get started on writing, jogging, and more meditation.

I always loved writing, ever since I knew how to read. I was fascinated by stories and wanted to mimic authors. It fell off the wagon when some events happened in life- as things always happen in life. I was unable to hold on to it though, and I've been wanting so bad to rekindle this love of reading and writing

Jogging is such a release of pent up energy. It feels awesome going for even a short jog. It's almost like a form of meditation to me. You concentrate on your breathing and on your steps. Yes, thoughts come but most of the time I don't think much other than my breathing with the occasional: "I can do this" thought. I am pretty present.

I have been doing ok with my morning meditations but not as much as I'd like to do. Perhaps jogging will help with this.

What is my why? I guess my why for writing would be simply that creative desire, or urge, that I have. It is always there but for some reason starting the process has been difficult for me. My why for jogging is simply to release that energy and stay healthy. Meditation would be to get rid of that mind clutter, even if it is only for that time. 

My mind is sometimes too loud and I know I must take that first step to show it. It'll be like me shaking my fist at the mind and telling it "oh yeah? I'll show you!" I must get over my mind.

Are there any habits you currently have? What about any habits you've struggled with making?

Remembering The Grandmother I Never Met

Image by RÜŞTÜ BOZKUŞ from Pixabay 

These past few months I have been thinking a lot about my paternal grandmother, whom I never met. She passed away 10 years ago this month from a sickness that was never identified.

She lived in a small pueblo in Guatemala with my grandfather (who just passed recently), right by the forest. The forest where they used to live when my dad, uncles, and aunts were very young. Where they grew up hunting for rabbits, picking wild mushrooms and herbs, and climbing trees for fun, or to eat their bearings. 

I remember my dad was sad and guilt stricken when he heard of her passing. She had been sick for a while, but it did not seem life-threatening. Perhaps he did not want to believe that it could be life threatening? He felt guilty for not having gone to see her before she died, and saw no point in going after she died. His brothers and sisters commented on his actions, and my dad felt more pain and guilt on top of his existing pain and guilt. I did not know how to be there for him, other than listen to him talk about her, and what he was feeling. I did not feel sadness. It's difficult to miss or grieve someone you never met. I did however felt a bit of disappointment for not having met her. (We did attempt to speak over the phone once but it was very difficult as she only spoke her dialect and knew no Spanish)

Eventually he flew to Guatemala to visit her grave. He learned that many people attended her funeral from all over the village, and other nearby villages. So many people knew her kind heart and paid their respects.

The only thing I have of her is a bag she sent to me with my dad when I was a teen. I've had that bag for about 20 years. I still use it as a book bag, and it continues to remind me of her every time I use it. 

One night I laid in bed and she popped into my head. I've never really thought about her in any way other than she was the grandmother who knew I existed and sent along a red bag for me. This night was different. 

I thought about the bag, and I thought about the small store she owned and named after me. I thought about the stories my dad told me about her. I saw her face, and felt warm inside. I felt the love that I feel as a mother- the unconditional love. I felt love and sadness at the same time. Sadness for never having met this kind and compassionate woman.

Then I felt them. I felt the tears fill my eyes, and then slide off my face and drip onto the pillow. That night I grieved the grandmother I never met. She loved me even though she never met me. She thought about me, and this night I thought about her like never before. I was enveloped with her love and embraced by her warmth. I reciprocate the love.

I feel immense gratitude for being able to feel as I do right now for a grandmother I never met. Since that night I have felt her presence every now and then. It makes me smile, and occasionally teary eyed. I realize that it's a little odd talking about feeling her presence when I was never in her presence- it's something I can't explain. I just feel something. 

I've heard people talk about a deceased loved one being a part of oneself, but I never understood it until now. I can feel her as a part of me, and in me I can feel her love for me, which in turn makes me feel love for myself. (If that makes sense). So, I will remember this whenever I am being too harsh on myself or feeling no love for myself. 

There IS love.

Is there someone you hold close to you or feel a part of you?