Feeling very low- Depressed

I have been having a very difficult time. I feel that I have reached rock bottom.

There are some days when I feel well, hopeful and capable. But then there are more days when I feel low, hopeless and very much incapable of anything. I have a teen son who has noticed this and has seen me on my very low days when I am incapable of holding back my tears. When he sees me like this he hugs me or lays his head on my shoulder with is arm around me. I couldn't ask for more from him.

Today is one of those low days. I woke up feeling very depressed and a bit shaky (physically- shaky hand when holding on to a cup of water). I decided to not go to work, so I called in feeling unwell. I also did not want  my son to see me like this- incapable of even going to work- so I left before he even woke up (the usual time). I left to have breakfast at the local Denny's while I listened to an uplifting podcast. It made me feel good to have an out of the ordinary day. To have coffee after more than a month of no coffee.

Then I went to rite-aid to buy a few things I needed. I also walked through the alcohol aisle. I bought a drink to drink at the park. I have never drank alcohol outside of a social aspect. This was the first time drinking alone. I felt like I needed it. 

I then went to the park (it has been a rainy week, but luckily it wasn't raining at this time) and waited for the library to open. While I waited I made a call to the local Mental Health Access number. I referred myself and told the lady my symptoms. Depression and anxiety, among other things. The lady told me I will receive a call within 10 days, and told me that if I need emotional support while I waited or feel like I am in a crisis I can call that same number for emotional support.

Despite feeling depressed and anxious. I am proud of myself. I am at the library writing this with teary eyes and still feeling proud. I did not think I was capable of actually getting help. A friend told me that it was probably like any addict such as an alcoholic, that you have to hit rock bottom before you actually feel ready to need help. 

I also told the landlord that I would like a six month lease instead of a year lease. I am giving myself 6 months to feel better, to get a new job and a car. I have been wanting to move on with my life. To progress. Oh, by the way did I mention that I got a "new" car in December, and that it was stolen 2 weeks ago? Yeah, so there's that.