Mental and Emotional Exhaustion

I was feeling very unhappy in my current job (before the pandemic shut down everything). The feeling was so overwhelming that I had to call in sick one day simply because I could not bare to be there. When I returned the next day, a co-worker asked me if I was okay because my eyes looked sad. I enjoy some aspects of the work and how rewarding it can feel. So when I was feeling unhappy and like I didn't want to be there anymore I felt... guilty. 

Why don't I want to be there? What is it that's making me feel emotionally and mentally exhausted? I should be glad that I have a job. I should be happy that I am working as someone who can make a difference in someone's life (perhaps). Perhaps I was tired of the long commute, and started to think the pay wasn't worth it? That's my time, driving to and from work is my time. Time that I can't get back. Perhaps I was feeling a little unappreciated. I have been working there for ten years, I was one of the original people that started working there when it just started. Perhaps the responsibility of the job was starting to weight on me. Perhaps... what? Perhaps, I just need a change?

During this time I was starting to read more on mindfulness and being present. It did help me a bit, but there was still something there. Something I couldn't see, only feel. I could feel it there nagging me. Then I decided that was it. I had to get out of there. I couldn't take it anymore and I decided that was going to be my last year there. I thought I was going to put a three month notice (that should give my boss enough time to find someone to replace me), but then a couple of weeks before I was going to give my notice, the pandemic hit, and the place had to close. 

Now what? we worked from home, but I was scared to quit because I wouldn't receive my unemployment. So, I stuck it out. At least I wasn't physically there and I'll work from home, it should be better. Right? No. I got sick a couple of weeks after. I don't believe it was Covid (though I didn't get tested for that). I think I got sick because of how emotionally and mentally stress I was. My body felt tired, it ached to move. I had no desire to do anything, but I still did the work. This lasted for about a week.

Even working from afar I still felt the same as I did working there. The time came to eventually talk to my boss about not returning to work. She was very understanding. I am grateful for that. 

I started to feel better, and that was when I started this blog. I stopped writing for a while because something else has come up (which is a story for another post).

I don't know what the point of writing this was. I guess just to work it out in my head. Thanks for reading if you did. Any comments are always welcomed. 

*Image by prettysleepy1 from Pixabay